Balls Jr. #5: Get Shorty - Elmore Leonard

Quick, fun and dirty. Just the way I like it. Allegedly.

Chili Palmer is a Miami loan-shark who always plays it supah cool, and is totally one of the nice loan sharks because he doesn't like breaking legs, and he follows this one guy who scammed him out to L.A., where he meets famous producers and ex-famous actresses, and gets mixed up in their shit, and gets them mixed up in his shit, and a bunch of people want to get Chili out of the way, and by that I mean kill him dead. And he tries to get this famous actor to star in his film, because who wouldn't end up a co-producer after breaking into someone's home in the middle of the night trying to collect money from them, and this famous actor, you'll never believe it (because it's a total contrivance), has a girlfriend who used to be friends with Chili in New York, so that's his in, and then one of the guys who wants him dead dies at the hands of Tony Soprano, and the other guy, Det. Joe Fontana, who wants Chili out cold-permanently - gets taken by the DEA. That's what those pussy bitches get for messing with the Chilster! Oh and then he bones the hot ex-famous actress, in between a lot of sexy pillow talk about who they want for their movie about Chili's life.

I feel like I'm the only person left who hasn't seen Get Shorty, the movie, but I was aware of its existence, and I was also aware of the existence of a sequel, and I knew John Travolta came back for it, so I knew Chili was never in any real danger, because I could be pretty certain if Travolta was playing anyone it would be the guy who puts a little too much effort into his clothing, know what I'm saying, but I doubt that even if I had gone in completely blind I would have honestly thought for a second that Chili, the charming anti-hero hero, would not skate through everything unharmed and come out on top.

If you couldn't tell by my run-on sentences, I'm going a little stir-crazy right now. Me no likey winter no more.

If you're wondering who Shorty is, it's the famous actor guy who everyone wants to star in their movies, and he always leads em on, saying "Ooooh this script looks sooo good, so nice and fresh and unique, set up a meeting with my agent," and then BAM next thing you know he's fondling another pretty young script and you're tossed out with yesterday's rotten milk. He's ungettable.

I almost forgot: the Shorty part is because he's short.