Sexy Saltine, what have you done?

You know how some folksy people like to appraise someone's attractiveness by saying "I wouldn't kick him out of bed for eating crackers," and whoa, if the person speaking is a white chick from Tennessee, that takes on a whole new dimension. You know? Oh, of course you know. Well, I ate crackers in bed this morning (Saltines, the sexiest of all the dry crackers [as opposed to the dripping wet crackers, and ew sorry]). Since I can't kick myself out of my own bed, would it have been unfair to preemptively kick out my "special friend" so that he wouldn't wake me up at 8 AM and I therefore wouldn't have been awake to eat those crackers in the first place? Also, it's possible I was subconsciously drawn to them so they'd soak up the massive amounts of water I drank to get rid of a certain "special taste," and if you think about it that way, it's all his fault and I should kick everyone out of bed for making me eat crackers.* Uh, not that I do this with everyone. Only, like, a third of the people I know. Tops.

This question has practical applications for the future, because sadly there is a large chance of this happening again. The cracker-eating, I mean.* Maybe I should rename my bed "the kitchen table."* I think that would solve most of my problems.

*Dirty.

An Orderly Life

My checklist from last night:

Flip off a giant green bitch from the Staten Island Ferry: CHECK
Use the phrase "the bee's knees" in my introduction to a stranger: CHECK
Slap a bull's ass: CHECK
Grab a gay man's ass: CHECK
Realize he's probably not as gay as he says when he takes that as his chance to make out with me: CHECK
Take one measly incriminating photo of a friend: CHECK
Have many more incriminating photos taken of me as retribution: CHECK
Wake up on the subway at 6 AM at the end of my line: CHECK
Find a giant pot of gold at the end of the line: POLISH (Get it? Not Czech? Oh ha ha.)

Talk Amongst Yourselves

I earlier came across a file for Millard Fillmore Hospital and immediately thought of the groundbreaking comic strip, Mallard Fillmore. That set me a'ponderin'. Which came first, the Mallard or the Millard? It’s impossible to know. But that’s what makes it such a great mystery. I eagerly await it being turned into a blockbuster movie.

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*Editor's Note: You might think the Confidentiality Note was a mistake made by someone posting from her work email and forgetting that it would be automatically added, thereby giving the world the phone number to her job and thus the easy opportunity for stalking (seriously, someone stalk me already so I don't feel unloved), but honestly, I wrote it out myself specifically for this post. The Ma/illard Quandary is too good of an idea to just hand out willy-nilly to anyone. It could be a modern-day Face/Off! You are NOT allowed to steal this idea.*