Thursday, November 29, 2007
Monday, November 26, 2007
Part 1: Spread holiday cheer early.
Begin by going to work as usual the day before Thanksgiving. Only tell people to have a happy Thanksgiving if they say it first, and then only begrudgingly. Go home early.
Walk into apartment building, exhausted from your early departure. Briefly raise eyes from floor to smile weakly at random worker. When he brightly grins and wishes you a happy Thanksgiving, lower your eyes again and mumble, "Thanksgiving…"
Part 2: Be surrounded by friends and family.
Begin by accidentally/on-purpose delaying buying a plane ticket until it's too late. Finish by spending Thanksgiving with the best company of all: hours and hours of DVR.
Part 3: Enjoy a delicious turkey dinner.
Begin preparations the day before. During your lunch break on Wednesday, go to Subway and buy a foot-long turkey sub. And remember-it's the holidays, so don't scrimp! Splurge on double turkey!
Eat half of the sub at work and bring the uneaten half home. Refrigerate.
Wake up the next morning and sniff the turkey-air: it's Thanksgiving! Go to the gym to work up an appetite for your delicious turkey dinner, nay, turkey feast! Come home and shower. Take sandwich out of fridge. Dress it up on a fancy ceramic plate. Sit on couch and enjoy!
Part 4: Entertainment!
While enjoying scrumptious turkey feast, watch your recording of Stranger than Fiction. Briefly wonder if opening sequence, describing in repetitive detail just how lonely Harold Crick's life is, is trying to tell you something, as you sit on your couch, alone, eating a cold turkey sandwich off of a tea tray on Thanksgiving. Dismiss the idea because hey, at least you've caught up on your DVR!
Saturday, November 10, 2007
The guy at the (ex-)company store started saying hi and making small talk with me this past week. I thought, "Huh, that's weird," since there didn't seem to be any reason for it. I figured he had simply started recognizing me from my multiple trips.
More proof I do not belong in HR: A few weeks ago I walked right past a guy from my building before he said "yo." On Friday I stepped into the elevator in my building, glanced at the same guy, looked down, and then freaked out when he asked, "So you don't talk to people on the elevator?" See, when I look at people, I don't actually look at them. That's normal, right? Right.
Friday, November 09, 2007
**This came close to being the shortest ever pledge to write something every day, didn't it? Told ya so.**
Thursday, November 08, 2007
Other good ideas for blowing people's minds: Tell them you're the president of Burundi.
Tell them that you like your women like you like your coffee: covered in bees!
Prove to them that ManBearPig exists fer serial.
Blow their minds out with a bazooka.
I have decided to make amends. I will post something every day for the rest of this month. Consider it self-inflicted punishment for not doing jack shit during all of those Days of Atonement I have lived through as a "Jew," mixed with my usual talent for procrastination.
Since I'm not crazy, or crazily optimistic about my follow-through, each post will be no longer than fifteen sentences or two paragraphs, depending on which limit I decide to follow or ignore that day. I will not spend more than fifteen minutes on each post, and probably closer to three. Also, I may not get around to posting every day of next week since my new job starts Monday, and this weekend... Well, I'll provide more excuses when I need to, but you have been warned. Two weeks from now, when people start yelling at me and smashing pumpkins on my window for not living up to my potential, I'm going to whine, "Whatever, MOM, I told you I wasn't going to do it in the first place." Then I'm going to marvel at how someone threw a pumpkin all the way to the 21st floor. Nice arm! You could be a discus thrower, imaginary future pumpkin smasher!
Anyhoo, I have decided on a nice little theme that will hopefully help me stay away from Important Events. When I read another person's post and can connect something in it to my life, or your life, or something I heard happened in someone else's life, I will then toss off a quick post of my own. No detail is too irrelevant, no connection too tenuous, no truth too fake.
You ready? Let's do iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!