Can you hand me that marpen, Janet?

As a way to honor Cripple's PenPost and remind her that jobs will not get better but will only continue to suck the life out of her until she's died and dead like a dog (like a DOG!), I would like to add that my favorite and most lasting thing about my assistant job is: the cool (to me) marker-y pen I was able to take with me. And let me tell you, this is not a pen to get excited over. It doesn't have a cushy finger pad or a click-top, or even a lady who takes off her clothes when you turn it upside down. (Of course, when you have Janet the One-Legged Stripper working next to you, who needs a pen AM I RIGHT?!) It's not even a fun color. It's black. Not unlike my soul. (Allegedly.) But for some reason I became irrationally attached to this marpen. (Penker?) So I took it. Then I created a shrine to it. A shrine built on the sweat and tears of lesser pens.

I also enjoy the small notepad I jacked. And the colored Post-It flags. Ooh, and the toilet paper I stole! And the napkins I also stole. And the binder clips and paper clips and tape and rubber bands and Wite-Out correction tape and keychain I stole. Aaaaand wow. I'm a klepto.

Oh, I also took a briefcase. I forgot that was new, since it feels so right.

My point is, office supplies are often the only positive aspects of office jobs. Besides the conference room sex, obviously.

Interview!

I have an interview for a position under Cute British Guy! Oh, if only it were a literal position under him...

To celebrate, here is a collection of work quotes:

AwesomeBoss, talking about asshole boss: If I wanted to deal with a narcissist, I would've stayed married. At least then I would be getting sex out of it. I'm not getting anything from AssholeBoss!

Silver-haired old lady, to cubicle neighbor: Are you over there, Mr. Stupidhead?

Crazy foreign lady, to nobody: Food!

Crazy foreign lady, to nobody: Lalalalalalalalalalalaaaaaaa.

Complainer: My phone's literally lost all functionality. I mean, it still works, but...

Old intern: I have a question about this report-
Crazy foreign lady: Yes, see, there are two different time frames in the report: four weeks and one month.
Old intern: Four weeks is one month.
Crazy foreign lady: Exactly.

And now the blasphemy portion of office life:

IT Lady, pissed: Oh, Jesus Christ!
AB, seriously asking: Oh God, did somebody say my name?

AB: (Talking to recently converted Muslim who wants a place in cramped office to pray 3 times a day. He jokingly suggests the bathroom.) She goes, "I don't think Allah would appreciate it if I prayed to him from the bathroom." So I go, "That's where my god is different from your god, because there have been many a night when I've prayed to Jesus from the bathroom."