This is not helping with the horny.

I wasn't planning on doing anything Thursday night, both because I had a job interview the next day and because I was still recovering from the night before. But then a girl from college wanted to go out, and I decided that, hell, I can do both! (I couldn't.) I made Cripple join us, and we started at a dive bar for one drink, went to dinner, and ended up at a bar above a comedy club. We chose this particular place for a special reason-Cripple knew the bartender, and who doesn't love free drinks?

Annoying Drunk, as I shall call Not-Cripple, was already well on her way to earning her nickname by the time we reached this mecca of alcohol goodness. She developed a grating, high-pitched voice and a tendency to slump her upper body on the person next to her (me), who was trying to talk to one of the comedians who had finished his set (Comedian).

Comedian and I flirted a little, but I wasn't really taking it seriously, simply because I never take anything seriously. Then came time for Cripple and Annoying Drunk to leave for their train, and I was debating leaving with them or staying and risking abandonment by Comedian. A promise of a drink from Comedian settled that, and off my friends went. And then returned five minutes later, scaring the crap out of me by jumping on me from behind. That was Annoying Drunk, clearly.

Despite being annoyingly drunk already, Annoying Drunk decided that it would be a good idea to order yet another drink. She had barely started on it when Comedian got a call about a radio gig the next morning, making him leave for home so he could get some sleep. He offered me a ride, and I looked over at my friends, dejectedly saying that they'd need to go too. Cock-blockers!

As we walked to his car, we placed bets on when AD would fall on her face and came to a consensus on "getting into the car." (We were right.) When we got there, Cripple called shotgun, and then, uselessly, so did AD. I was not about to be stuck in the back with AD, especially since this was MY GUY, so I indignantly said that I had already called shotgun while we were walking. The others protested, but Comedian backed me up. Mmm, I love a man who helps me lie.

When we arrived at my building, I invited him up to get directions back to his place. We all hung out for a while, during which AD tried to prostitute herself out to Comedian. Seriously. It started out as a joke-how much would he pay to see all of us make out?-but she kept going. And going. And fucking going. Like the Energizer Bunny after a few too many shots of battery acid.

(Side note: I ended up letting Cripple sleep in my bed, and then AD decided that she was too good for a couch and curled up at the foot of my bed without asking me. I already have huge problems falling asleep, and having to be curled up and trying not to kick someone in the back of the head made it impossible. It was tempting to stretch my legs out and see if I’d knock her off, but I, unlike someone who shall remain nameless but goes by the initials AD, have some manners.)

Anyways, Comedian finally extricated himself from his prospective John situation, and I walked him to the door. I’m sweet like that. Once he was in the hallway, I held onto the door handle with one hand and realized that I’ve never done this and I’ve barely even talked to him in an hour because I was so embarrassed by AD and what am I supposed to do?

“Well, goodnight.” I am not at all awkward! He leaned forward, and I went for the friendly kiss on the cheek that I’m used to doing whenever I leave a group of people. He was on a different wavelength, which I realized a second too late. I laughed and looked around-oops!-then leaned into his grinning face to git ‘er done.

Comedian was a little too girly with his kissing, and by that I mean I wanted to push him against a wall and yell at him to FUCKING KISS ME HARD, but that would've woken up my roommate as well as half of my floor. So I restrained myself. Kissing by itself doesn't do that much for me anyway. At least his hands were doing the right thing, but how satisfying can anything be when it's in the middle of a hallway and no clothing comes off? Although making out with someone other than a possibly-married date-rapist who wants to eat my face can only be a step in the right direction.

I felt our dog nudging at my legs, trying to escape from the stifling confines of our apartment and run free throughout the building. I started laughing at the ridiculousness of it all-having a dog, living on my own, kissing someone goodnight at my door in NY, kissing guys goodnight, period. (I am embarrassingly inexperienced.)

Understandably, Comedian asked me what I was laughing at.

"I'm sorry, the dog..." (Of course, I have a documented track record of inappropriate laughing, especially during sexual situations. I would link to some of those instances, but that would involve reading through old posts, and if I wanted to WORK I would've made it to my INTERVIEW.) I stood up on tip-toe and pulled his head down again. Fuck the dog. (I'M SORRY PUPPY I LOVE YOU!)

After we pulled apart for the last time, I cocked out my hip and put on my fake-sexy voice: "So, uh, call me." Then I laughed. Not sure how he took that.

By the way, Comedian's 33. For those keeping score, that means...



I wonder how many 30-somethings I can get through by the end of May. Since this month is half over, I'll just go for 6. Anyone in the Tri-State area interested in helping out a poor girl with a noble task? (Just kidding.) (OR AM I?)