This is why learning is bad for you. It gives you the herp.

Libraries are scary places. Yesterday I had my headphones on and was walking to the water fountain when a man with stringy black hair and a beer belly made some joke that I didn’t hear. I took off my headphones in time to hear him say “Just kidding, haha.”
Me: Ah.
Him, taking a step back: You’re beautiful!
Me: Um, th-
Him: Say thank you!
Me: Yeah, uh, thank you. It’s just unexpected.
Him: You don’t get that all day?
Me, surprisingly trying to make a joke out of it: I’ve been in the library all day, hardy har har.
Him: Working?
Me: Yeah.
Him: That’s awesome! (He slaps me five and won’t let go of my hand.) How old are you?
Me: 19.
Him: Great! You can do anything! (At the time I thought he meant this in terms of what lies ahead of me in life, overcoming obstacles, blah blah, but now it’s a little creepy, like yay, you’re legal!)
Me: Yeah.
Him: You know what’s really awesome? I’ve been drug-free for as long as you’ve been alive! (Hard to believe he wasn’t on coke right then. Keep in mind he was still vigorously shaking my hand.)
Me: Congratulations…
Him: Cops are idiots, you ever watch Cops on TV? (He proceeds to tell me a story about what he saw on Cops one day. I laugh on the inside.)

Him: What’s your name?
Me: Julia.
Him: I’m Gary Revolution. That’s what they call me. Cool name, huh?
Me: (Crickets chirping.)
Him: The Beatles have a song, “Julia,” you know it? (He starts singing it, and I keep saying “yeah, yeah, I know it,” until he stops singing.) They have one “Oh, Martha,” that they were playing on TV when Martha Stewart was on. Oh Martha, look what you’ve dooone. Great soundtrack. What’s your name?
Me: (More crickets, plus me snorting in laughter.)

Him, at some point: If (blah blah blah), must be blind! How’s that for a compliment?! (Awesome compliment, Gary, you should sell those by the dozen!)

Him: Give me a hug, let me feel what it’s like to hug a 19-year-old. (AAHHH HE STILL HAD MY HAND AND HE DRAGGED ME TOWARD HIM. I had to push him away before his body herpes infected me. I finally got some water and went back to my study room, while Meester Revvvvolution went into the men’s bathroom to jack off or something.)

I thought it was over. I stayed in the library for 2 more hours, and when the place was closing, I packed up my shit and walked out of my study room. Guess who was on one of the computers ten feet away? And guess who called after me: “Hey! Girl! Girl! Julia! Julia?” He started talking to me about music again. And then…
Him: Do you have plans for breakfast tomorrow?
Me: (More snorting.) Yeah. Yeah, I do.
Him: Too bad, cuz I got money, I could take you.
Me: Yeah…
Him: Where do you live?
Me: (Disbelieved snort mixed with the seeds of actual worry.) (“Snort” is a hilarious word, by the way. Look at it. Snort. Heh. Now do it. Snort. Heh. Heh.)
Him, trying to play it off like he wasn’t a proto-stalker: Around, right? Yeah, me too. I guess we all live around.
Me: (Laughing)
Him: What’s so funny?

Just as I was exiting the parking lot, I saw him harassing another girl. Sigh, how quickly the heart forgets. Tear…

Oh, guess who finished her conference paper that was due today and sent it in at 11:59 pm? No, not your mom. Think…. Me!

Hi, mom! All these people at school said they had sex with you?!

Me, on the benefits of the Hat Game: It depends on what you put in the hat... and it depends on what you take out of your soul.

Me: I want a moustache. Ooh, maybe a dirty sanchez.

Sarah: Haha, you made out with her!

Me: You made out with her sober! More than once!

Sarah: No, not more than once!

Me: Yeah ya did.

Sarah, defensively: Twice!

Sarah: You lost your virginity in a shower!

Me: No, it was actually in a bed.

Sarah: Oh yeah, then you went in the shower. Well you didn't know his name... Ferdinand!

Me: Yeah, Ferdinand Magellan. He circumnavigated the globe.

Sarah: He circumnavigated his penis.

Me: I circumnavigated your mom last night.

Sarah: You probably could, she's not that fat.

Me: Yeah, that's true. It's very possible.

Sarah: Oh my god, can we circumnavigate each other?

Me: Right now?

Sarah: Yeah.

Me: Yeah.

[We get up and walk around each other, then sit down happy.]

I'm eating cereal out of a trash bag that my friend gave me this morning. I also wore the same clothing for 48 hours before finally showering today. I also didn't brush my teeth today until about 6 hours after I woke up. I also had sex with your mom last night. Just thought you should know.