Ok, so over a week ago I had one of the most randomly awesome nights ever. A bunch of people and I were playing with a Slinky outside of the Slinky's owner's room, when a slight problem arose. [Sidenote: I want to marry whoever invented the Slinky. It is incredible.] After an hour or so everyone except for me, Abra, and Matt had gotten bored and left, and I started to attack Matt with one end of the Slinky while he dodged it Matrix-style. Somehow, I can't imagine how this could possibly happen since we were taking such good care of it, one ring near the middle became, what's the word... fucked. Fucked up the ass. Like your mom. Anyways, usually when a Slinky gets twisted out of shape, it's easy to fix. Not so with this little bugger. We freaked out for half an hour, since we're all a little scared of the Slinky's owner, when we hit upon the solution: cut out the messed-up ring, then weld the two pieces back together. Simple, yes?
NO, dumbass. We all went back to my room with the crippled toy, and I broke out a pair of scissors to cut the Slinky with. What you might not know is that Slinky's are tough mofos. Scissors did nothing, so out came nail clippers. We finally got 'er done, but my nail clippers, which cost more than the damn Slinky, were shot to hell, as was one portion of the Slinky itself. We were left with one acceptable, although short, Slinky, and a smaller piece which proceeded to get even more ass-fucked as the night wore on.
During all of this, we had been hysterically laughing, throwing a football around, and being as racist, homophobic, and sexist as you could imagine. When the Slinky died, this continued for about four more hours. I really wish I could remember more of what we said, because everything was hilarious, but alas, I could only salvage a few quotes from our craziness...
Matt, contemplating the thoroughly raped remains of the Slinky: It's a penis of infinite length, and every inch is made of pure pleasure. [Pause] You shove it up your ass!
On Koreans who walk around campuses in big groups and talk shit about everyone else in Korean...
Abra: How do you know that they're talking about everyone if they're speaking another language?
Me: Oh, I speak Asian, they just don't know it.
Matt: Don't we all have an angry black Mexican lesbian inside of us?
Bailey, to Matt: How long have you guys been here? ["Here" being my dorm room]
Matt: How long is the average gynecological exam?
Bailey: What?! Um... Sabrina?
Me: 45 minutes?
Matt: We've been here about an hour and a half.
By the way, the twisted part of the Slinky is now modern art, proudly displayed in my room as a scathing indictment of contemporary society.
I Am Still Alive. Basically.
4 days ago